& of course... Maybe Love awaits me at a place I have never been..
a place I have never envisioned... never seen myself going...

never never land is probably where my man resides--

--because that place does not exist...

What is my sole desire..?


There is a list of course...

but i dare not share it with the world...
not just yet.

its not wrong-- until you ask if its right..
sometimes you have to look at things from the ]outside[ to understand your worth to the [inside]..
everybody wants to know more about a person than that person knows about themselves... that alone drives me crazy..
we all have a life to live & we should all focus on that fact alone-

This is why I write-
I'm always left feeling like this...
I don't know how & I don't know why- but honestly I don't like it
Feeling like i am on the outside of an inside group feels worse than being in no group at all...
Im not made for a group...
Everyone says im too different- too eccentric... & WHY?

D I V E R S I T Y is great..

I NEED TO WRITE WANT TO WRITE GOT TO WRITE
JUST MAKES EVERY THING FEEL ALRIGHT—
NEVER UPTIGHT WHEN I SEE MY THOUGHTS ON PAPER
hard to think about what word I should save and use at another point during the message—
but what is it that I am trying to say?
What is it that I am trying to get across?
I will say that it is all interesting to me-- new to me—
a new found dislike for this transitional state that I am in…
not wanting to be alone but alone always… and to the point where I sometimes get lonely even though I have myself and will die myself & I always have my own back…
but what is that?
What is that when other people have more?
Not that it is something I am jealous of but it is a feeling that I am not ready to get used to the fact that I must ignore—
I can’t explore what someone isn’t interested in…
even back then I have never been an open book to be exact but I in turn was never one to judge a book by its cover—but yet read through its pages—
trying to understand what the pages are saying…
New chapters in my book are unfolding and there are things that I am holding – back from myself… keeping things from myself…
keeping things from you, you..
And yes well you too because the reality is… to me what does unleashing feelings on unsympathetic ears do?
No hearts and minds aren’t clear and what I am trying to say probably isn’t clear either but I am trying… & the more that I try the more confident I become in trying again…
Because I learn through failure.

There are a lot of wrong things in this picture--

However who defines them as wrong? Or right for that matter--

Truly everything happens for a reason & its not my place to figure out what those reasons are--

However, it is my place to accept those things as they are and not to count them out.

All I want to do is live life
I want to experience all that life has to offer me--

;)

if love from a man
comes 2 me as strong as my passion 4 fashion
i think i would feel 4 him what i feel when i am intimately involved in my work:
hum

in reference to v day

i think i love the word love...

infatuated with the feeling & intrigued by the emotion it evokes just with the mention of it--

4 measley letters with an association sooo strong--

i long
to love...
but I only want to love the right one--
so many but no one...
and i will wait...
passionately involved with myself until God & time presents another to share my joy--..::

...

Maybe...
You are not with someone-
because you are not fully ok with being alone--

what is it?

Love isn't promised or bought.
it is gained.
earned.
natural or sometimes learned.
its all a game-
u make rules.
set em up in a way so u will never lose-yourself

Bricks::

In each moment that we spend trying to keep eachother close
We actually never accomplish the task
I will never ask again or give in to the supposed true essence of love.
What is it? And who is it for.
Certainly not me.
Free but am i.
Not alone. Not lonely.
But in shock
Disbelief
Packing all of the pictures that say more words than you ever will
Reminding me of how I used to feel and now
So very torn and empty… almost sickly yet empowered because I now know the truth.
And I feel the truth is up to my interpretation because everyone’s truth is not the same
Everyones pain is not a game
And yet I continue to loose at something I thought I was done playing with
Pushing them away without even knowing it…
What can we say
What can we feel
Ejected from role play
Stuck on repeat..
A break that never had a chance to be a pause….
Why was I in love.
How can I get out.
Why did i hold you so tight thinking there would never be an escape.
i guess i was too late i fell before i knew it
too young to stop myself from what i thought was the success of it
too confident that we would work
dumb for thinking i would go unhurt.