read into it...

I want to be able to open myself up
Write a new page of life
Figure out which chapter I’m on in life…
better understand my story
So complicated-

I’ve given up on soo many things
Taken on sooo many things
Never taken up my own feelings about anything
Never understood why I felt certain ways- - if I even allowed myself to feel at all

I’ve trapped my mind time and time again-
retained it for just one type of thinking
Shut sooo many people out of my life without even thinking
And kept sooo many people in my life…
People who didn’t even want to be there.

They took sooo much from me
I let them do it
I allowed myself to be emotionally drained…
rained on by other peoples thoughts and opinions about me.
Socially—I drowned

I was drenched by miscommunications
Judged by people due to false implications

You never knew me… or my life
You don’t know the strife, the pain, the troubles & torments.

For a while I even gave up on love
I was tired of Love making itself look good
Tired of Love impregnating me with true feelings
Then giving me still births—false relationships—miscarriages &fake feelings.

I’ve been trying for a while to figure myself out
Find out what I’m all about…
It takes longer than people think and I’m sooo tired of thinking about what I need to do
Yea, its true… I’m not perfect.

I guess that’s the difference between me and you.
You true to maintain your reputation and try to uphold your perfect image-
All the while I never try to.
I’m still figuring out how to be me.
Free in my own story.
Whatever that may be.


...One day I will figure it out.

Nothing serious but its coming...

He opened my eyes to a part of me I never knew I had
A new me that I have found takes a huge liking to him.

He takes me places that I’ve never seen, even in my own town
I am sooo happy that I’m in his life… what a Joy we’ve found; it’s so sincere.. & he allows me to be me.

So free I feel as he wraps his arms around me and tells me how he feels--intertwined our minds think the same thing

Our thoughts always come to life-our actions match our thinking…
And the more and more I think about it-We are like a match made in Heaven.

The songs we listen to take us to India as we try to create our own legend.
They make up the soundtrack of our relationship –A true Testimony that helped me get lifted & stand out amongst other things—It’s a guaranteed love song.

Oh the songs he sings to me makes my knees weak
But my mind is strong and I know this love is right.

UGH

My tears are drowning my face
I’m in a place where I don’t want to be
Please come rescue me and hold me
Let me be someone who I am not just for one minute
Just so I can get away- not to stay; just to rest
I want the best
Not used to accepting anything less
And that’s definitely not what’s expected of me…
I am held to such a high standard that sometimes I don’t even know what ‘standard’ is
In a world where I don’t even know what right is….
I need you
Constantly
just as the sun keeps the earth alive
I thirst to survive
I have to do more than thrive and cry
And wait—Though no one comes to dry my face—
Im in a place where no one understands…
No one knows what each tear holds
No one is bold enough to even ask what’s wrong… so afraid that they will have to care-
For me.
But you don’t
I don’t need you to pretend you care.
Its worse than having no body there to witness your greatest success in life
Talk about a knife thrust into your back- and pulled back out
I feel I have been shut out
In the social context
I have never until now felt my best wasn’t enough and its tough dealing with the feelings that prove those words true each day.
I want to go to sleep and wake up a new me.
I need a tissue.

written a while back

When you can’t be there
No words to say
Can’t empathize; no feelings to share
Can’t compare situations
Trials and tribulations
Trying to figure out who’s real and who’s faking
Love
More than just a word
Internalized meanings
For the time being
I’m trying to relax
Instead of max out on love
It’s not easy to be hugged and cared for from a distance
It’s not easy to be listened to…
Specially without the title of “being your boo”
Or just knowing u have one…
People stay away from trying to understand the physical,emotional and mental demands of distant relationships
I want to quit sooo bad but my heart won’t let me
My emotions have the best of me—He means a lot,
But I’m not there a lot…
Heart’s breaking
Chances taken
But I want to win the game.

Nobody expected the little things to leave big impressions on u
Nobody expected things to work out—and they didn’t
Feelings left to remain unclaimed and not provided for, left to explore other things and human beings…
Trying to figure out what has left me in between a rock—and a hard place.
I promised myself this was it, and once again I was wrong…
I guess u cant take people’s word—u gotta pray about things on ur own—for your own good. I shud-
Have done a lot of things differently
Prob wont even remember me
I am so ready to surrender myself to your arms God.
Im so tired of people’s arms not being big enough to hold me… I am sooo tired of ppl’s penis’s doing all the talkn—y cant BOYS just use their mouths and try to hold a conversation?
Sitting here contemplating on my self worth
Trying to understand a woman’s worth
I don’t even know what happened,
But I know what will not happen again—and that’s me just deciding to up and let ANYone in.
I thought you were different, what a great disguise…
U put up this great mask, such a nice costume… u tried to dress your feelings up and sugar coat my heart… whatever. U can keep ur sweetness.
I knew it was too good to be true & YES this is about you.

You grow up with them telling you that you will push them away if you say this or that
Me, I just want to speak my mind, say what I want to say…
You know, how little girls play… wishing of princesses and pink colored ponies, thinking of living in a world where only they can describe what their mind is creating
Here I stand hating on the endless opportunities that little girls have to dream. They still get to think about everything and say all the things that come to their minds without anything being taking seriously, or being told too farfetched or too advanced…
No one stops a little girl from dreaming…
I want to dream- but I’m not a little girl anymore- but I feel that you think I am, and if that is the case why do you even entertain me, keep me around to laugh with, talk with, chill with…
I want to think about my future in a way that helps me to appreciate my present and see where the dots will connect…
What’s wrong with trying to see the picture before the lines are drawn? After all, people have to have a vision in order to act on one.
If I didn’t think there would be an us, could be an us, maybe even a legal us, I would have NEVER put forth the trust in you- never would have gave you the time of day or a chance to even touch my hand. Time is precious- and I don’t want to waste it on you or with you if there is no future that we are trying to get to…
To be continued

i was thinking of SEMAj::..

You never know what God has in store for your life
You never know when the things you want will come to you-
Or when the things you think you need will leave you.

I thought that after all I’ve been through that God had kind of forgotten about some of the things that I thought I needed…
But it was him that I needed.
Not a person, not a certain thing or an emotion fulfilled. Just him, simply G.O.D
And when I began to focus on him he began to reveal the real me
And I began to see some things that I had never seen before.
I began to explore different areas, changed some views, and upgraded some mindsets here and there.

All the while I was doing these things I had always thought of you, remembered you in my thoughts, behind the scene you remained in my heart…
Since the day we met a connection (to me) was made
I’ve had a crave to know more of this “you” a desire to know the ends and outs of what you’re about and even still I remained low key

Tried to make it seem that you aren’t a priority but u are… (kind of)

It’s like once you feel you’ve obtained something real you don’t want that feeling to go…
Lord knows there have been times when I felt I’d never hug again, kiss again… love again
And just to know that you are my friend is enough for me to maintain…

And even if you were to leave me alone, place me out of your life…
You’d still dwell in my heart- as u did when I met you,

Yea I thought there was something real from the start.

Wow. Blushing...
T. S. Thorpe ©