& u thought i didn’t notice when you stopped saying it
I never really understood why—
Never really tried though
Never really was my prerogative
Especially if u weren’t going to try; though i missed it
And how used to say it
Sneak up from behind me, lay ur hands on me and whisper it
Gently in my ears like you had some form of game
Looking back at it it was lame
But cute
And the same way u used to look at me and tell me i would look at u and tell u the same thing with my eyes...
Hypnotized by what you had me feeling inside
No disguise for emotion
Emotional rollercoaster—free ride
I tried to hide the fact that i was sad
But in the inside i can now admit that im glad things happened as they did
I was such a kid—at heart
Making big kid decisions
Still not fully grown
Still growing up—
But i remember when u stopped showing up
Stopped calling and stepping up to the plate
Never thought to mediate the situation
I guess it was a risk u weren’t fond of taken
But its cool
Never would have found love if u hadn’t moved out of my way
Yep- i can say it now—looking back at how far I’ve come...
That’s the only way i know im getting somewhere.
Thanks for never meaning it when u said u loved me, bc if u woulda meant it—i woulda believed it
& I woulda never been as happy as I am now when I hear it from him... skip YOU

;)

When you write to live
and live to write
It doesn’t matter what people say
It doesn’t matter what they think
Because they don’t know how it feels to use writing as a therapy-
A way to heal-
A way to get across how you feel-
without getting interrupted-
Misunderstood—no assumptions can be made
No games are played with writing—
And even if they are , its not for you that im writing—
Its all for me
& to enhance my ability
and my confidence as a person of words sometimes left unspoken
but I always have something to say
But know one will judge me based on how I write
Because no one knows how I feel at night as I write these things down.
No one sees the anger in my frown or when im feeling down they cant hear the emotions or see the tears streaming down my face.
No one can take away my special place that I go to to sort out all the things that go through my mind
And truth is most times my brain is scattered—thoughts all over the place and a whole lot of things have been lost or erased because I didn’t capture them in the moment when I felt them
So that’s why I write.
It calms me down.
It never questions me—always understands…
Paper is my best friend

Non-edited & Incomplete

s p l a s h

Just open ur eyes, let me sit on the passengers’ side of your ride

Put the top down on the car, lets not hide

No disguise for the feelings we feel

Love is real

The air is warm, seats’ hot

No one’s got the affection skills like I got

No one leaves an impression on me like you do

No one is quite like u

Understandable

Unmistakable

Tried—(the stuff we’ve been through)

& True--- (your always honest with me—I hope)

Lets drive to the pool

Let me show off my body for you

Let everyone look at me like they want it

And u will be happy too—

Thinking lol yall cant have it and grab me—just so that they see its just u and me

In our own world

Not hating on no girl

Not stunting on no dude

Not cutting the fool or eloping just chilling.

Chilling in the sun as the wind greets us with her breeze

Saying please yall make this last—

Ive never seen perfection—but I do see love

Sun kissing our bodies, you caressing my hips – underwater or limbs touch

And I kiss your lips

You push me away gently—trying not to get my hair wet

And I emerge my self in the water because I wasn’t wet yet—just being cute

And u being handsome

And us doing what we do when we’re together…

I miss u & the water…

That’s when an Aquarius meets an Sagittarius ..::

Shoulda took pics by the pool…

awakened by my own aroma

the sweet smell of love touched my heart

came over me and massaged my back

whispered in my ear as if it were you

the moment lasted a second-- but i will remember it forever

its energy gave me strength

rubbing off on me a new motivation

a new determination

to live

to breathe softer

to see clearer

to dream sweeter dreams

& turn them into my reality.

...

I guess its normal to feel however your body leads you to feel
Normal to hurt and cry
Normal to not be understood-
Abnormal to sit and take it and fake it like everything is all good
Soo normal to just put a smile on and not deal with things like you should
Normal for me to feel inadequate- beneath you and know why
Trying for it to be normal for me to question myself why-
Why me and why do I feel the way I feel…
Questioning myself and my God constantly trying to figure out if its real
I don’t understand why things switch when emotions get high
I don’t understand why we cant work through things as humans and mature adults… why
Even as your heart gets heavy and you feel yourself about to cry
Don’t dry your eyes-
We’ve all been taught not to let ppl see you sweat but when you’ve met ppl in your life that you care about so much,
Its too much to have to cry alone—
Especially when they are your shoulder to lean on
And what happens if that shoulder breaks—
Instead of finishing out my feelings and trying to heal I immediately try to fix the shoulder
Umm interesting
I wonder why ppl try to front like everything is sooo easy once you establish friendships, and relationships and create beginnings…. Never anticipating the ends---
Truth is its easy to click as friends… hard to maintain the relationship
But if it were easy it wouldn’t last long because the true meaning would be lost.
If you fake as if everything is right and fight one night your through.
But if you honestly sit and talk it out with your boo that you claim to love it will bring you closer.
Its okay to cry but not ok for you partner not to ask why.
I think that’s ignorant
Everyone wants to be comforted and everyone make mistakes
Its what you do once you’ve made the mistakes—
Don’t make them again.

To be continued.

I am alive and well...
thanking God for each breath that I take.
Trusting in him has made breathing easier...
taking one day at a time--
the future is mine through christ.

Right now i want to cry--
I want to be alone to comfort myself...
I want to pause and think about life and what it is that im missing.
Is the path that I am on the one I am supposed to be taken?
Maybe I should reevaluate the choices im making
Maybe God has a different plan for me so instead of moving i should be waiting--
patiently--
waiting to hear his voice
only he can calm me
& its time to let him do his job...

UP

Oh how you make me feel so warm inside
A summer’s day with autumn’s breeze wrestling with me like trees and leaves
The birds and bee’s have gave me a new tune
The hums and buzzes and chirps have helped revive me
Renew me & bring life to me
Nature never questions me—just relaxes me.
Oh it knows me so well- not a story I tell—its true you see.
You are you and I am me.
Beneath the trees I may hide
And all of the emotions that I feel inside are safe
Such a serene place.
Its warmth relaxes me. Breeze cools me…
I want to be where you are.
Invisible but always there—
Hot but you’re not getting burned…
Growing, but never trampled on—
Reproductive; but only when its time.
Humble and honest.
I want to be natural
Smoother than peanut butter on a spoon-
Cooler than lemonade on the hottest day ever
More DIVA red then the famous Kool Aid your granny makes
Slicker than a snake & more affectionate than a mother with her cubs.
I want to get out of the nest and fly
Do things my way—open my eyes and try.
The wind is ready for me. Waiting for me to just lift my arms-
Then the breeze will carry me
And I will drift away
Like the balloon you let go of and it floated upward and rose into the clouds.
Hopefully I will find that balloon and throw my own party and I will invite everyone in heaven- if they have spare time.
Come with me… I will give you a lift.

Sometimes you have to be ok with riding-
you see- if you let someone into your life, both of you cant drive...

you either have to take turns or submit.
My advice is to make sure the person you've paired up with can drive...
it will help make the ride a lot smoother.

dont worry about the car- focus on whats under the hood.
remember- even a hooptie can take you from point a to point b.

in the mean while, pull the visor down- peep at your self in the mirror and say "DANG!! Im gorgeous.!!"

It will make you smile.
& you will begin to laugh on the inside...

A note to teens

The body relaxes as it sees fit—
After doing many tricks-
It’s quite divine
Such a powerful tool- no rules to break or follow
But – it can break you
Have to do what’s true to u, feels good to u—so u won’t loose u (yourself) in the mix…
Don’t get it twisted, its great- but not greater than the wait…
U wait and then appreciate the sacrifice
Don’t rush through life
Makes u think twice about it after its done
Refuse the tongue—
let your desires play out in your head-
Not the bed.
Relax & just chill
Enjoy the moment while keeping still…motionless, not heartless-
Know yourself & set standards
Don’t drop those standards
Drop those who don’t uphold them
Hold your head up high
And think with your mind
-not your body...

...[ =) ]....

It’s not even about sex- or life itself. Everybody has one—does one or somebody… idk why people choose to lay down before they are wedding bound but -- hey.



It’s about love and living

It’s about seeing the inside motives proved by the body’s actions on the outside

Looking in its a mirror that can see your reflection

An infection that makes you have the urge the desire to try harder to obtain more..

Love grows… heart beats… pulse increases like boom boom

Time zooms by you when he’s away but when I’m with him time stays in place

It waits for me.

It waits for us to make our move

As we have done and continue to do time and time again

I’m going to win; we are going to win this love game… this time.

Tell me what’s on your mind…

Do u mind if I make you mine forever…

We can be each other’s forever- stay together until time finally stops

Until the heart stops beating or until u stop feeding off my love—

It’s enough to feed you- please you, comfort you & keep you…

I will let you lean on me anytime...

I dare to look into your eyes and watch your eyes tell me that you love me- without waiting for
your mouth to move.

You understand me—totally.

Without any ifs, ands or buts-

But sometimes you disagree and at first it was hard for me but now I respect our disagreements…

That’s why we make such a great team

And as funny as it may seem I feel that you are my first love

I can’t think of another way to describe how I feel for you...

Whether we are out in public, home chilling or just us too-

Alone- thinking each other’s thoughts and completing each other’s sentences.

You complete me and you fix my grammar with no hammer—you’re tough as nails… solid as a rock

You’ve built our relationship on an awesome foundation and I am glad that you are the man that you are…

My shining star mid day-

My feelings never sway

Even to this day I feel like our love is new-

Ever renewing itself-

Very fresh.

And even when you lay on my chest and I kiss your forehead—you still manage to comfort me when im supposed to be tending to you.

It’s sweet.

Like a treat that you never get tired of eating.

I will never get tired of our love.

read into it...

I want to be able to open myself up
Write a new page of life
Figure out which chapter I’m on in life…
better understand my story
So complicated-

I’ve given up on soo many things
Taken on sooo many things
Never taken up my own feelings about anything
Never understood why I felt certain ways- - if I even allowed myself to feel at all

I’ve trapped my mind time and time again-
retained it for just one type of thinking
Shut sooo many people out of my life without even thinking
And kept sooo many people in my life…
People who didn’t even want to be there.

They took sooo much from me
I let them do it
I allowed myself to be emotionally drained…
rained on by other peoples thoughts and opinions about me.
Socially—I drowned

I was drenched by miscommunications
Judged by people due to false implications

You never knew me… or my life
You don’t know the strife, the pain, the troubles & torments.

For a while I even gave up on love
I was tired of Love making itself look good
Tired of Love impregnating me with true feelings
Then giving me still births—false relationships—miscarriages &fake feelings.

I’ve been trying for a while to figure myself out
Find out what I’m all about…
It takes longer than people think and I’m sooo tired of thinking about what I need to do
Yea, its true… I’m not perfect.

I guess that’s the difference between me and you.
You true to maintain your reputation and try to uphold your perfect image-
All the while I never try to.
I’m still figuring out how to be me.
Free in my own story.
Whatever that may be.


...One day I will figure it out.

Nothing serious but its coming...

He opened my eyes to a part of me I never knew I had
A new me that I have found takes a huge liking to him.

He takes me places that I’ve never seen, even in my own town
I am sooo happy that I’m in his life… what a Joy we’ve found; it’s so sincere.. & he allows me to be me.

So free I feel as he wraps his arms around me and tells me how he feels--intertwined our minds think the same thing

Our thoughts always come to life-our actions match our thinking…
And the more and more I think about it-We are like a match made in Heaven.

The songs we listen to take us to India as we try to create our own legend.
They make up the soundtrack of our relationship –A true Testimony that helped me get lifted & stand out amongst other things—It’s a guaranteed love song.

Oh the songs he sings to me makes my knees weak
But my mind is strong and I know this love is right.

UGH

My tears are drowning my face
I’m in a place where I don’t want to be
Please come rescue me and hold me
Let me be someone who I am not just for one minute
Just so I can get away- not to stay; just to rest
I want the best
Not used to accepting anything less
And that’s definitely not what’s expected of me…
I am held to such a high standard that sometimes I don’t even know what ‘standard’ is
In a world where I don’t even know what right is….
I need you
Constantly
just as the sun keeps the earth alive
I thirst to survive
I have to do more than thrive and cry
And wait—Though no one comes to dry my face—
Im in a place where no one understands…
No one knows what each tear holds
No one is bold enough to even ask what’s wrong… so afraid that they will have to care-
For me.
But you don’t
I don’t need you to pretend you care.
Its worse than having no body there to witness your greatest success in life
Talk about a knife thrust into your back- and pulled back out
I feel I have been shut out
In the social context
I have never until now felt my best wasn’t enough and its tough dealing with the feelings that prove those words true each day.
I want to go to sleep and wake up a new me.
I need a tissue.

written a while back

When you can’t be there
No words to say
Can’t empathize; no feelings to share
Can’t compare situations
Trials and tribulations
Trying to figure out who’s real and who’s faking
Love
More than just a word
Internalized meanings
For the time being
I’m trying to relax
Instead of max out on love
It’s not easy to be hugged and cared for from a distance
It’s not easy to be listened to…
Specially without the title of “being your boo”
Or just knowing u have one…
People stay away from trying to understand the physical,emotional and mental demands of distant relationships
I want to quit sooo bad but my heart won’t let me
My emotions have the best of me—He means a lot,
But I’m not there a lot…
Heart’s breaking
Chances taken
But I want to win the game.

Nobody expected the little things to leave big impressions on u
Nobody expected things to work out—and they didn’t
Feelings left to remain unclaimed and not provided for, left to explore other things and human beings…
Trying to figure out what has left me in between a rock—and a hard place.
I promised myself this was it, and once again I was wrong…
I guess u cant take people’s word—u gotta pray about things on ur own—for your own good. I shud-
Have done a lot of things differently
Prob wont even remember me
I am so ready to surrender myself to your arms God.
Im so tired of people’s arms not being big enough to hold me… I am sooo tired of ppl’s penis’s doing all the talkn—y cant BOYS just use their mouths and try to hold a conversation?
Sitting here contemplating on my self worth
Trying to understand a woman’s worth
I don’t even know what happened,
But I know what will not happen again—and that’s me just deciding to up and let ANYone in.
I thought you were different, what a great disguise…
U put up this great mask, such a nice costume… u tried to dress your feelings up and sugar coat my heart… whatever. U can keep ur sweetness.
I knew it was too good to be true & YES this is about you.

You grow up with them telling you that you will push them away if you say this or that
Me, I just want to speak my mind, say what I want to say…
You know, how little girls play… wishing of princesses and pink colored ponies, thinking of living in a world where only they can describe what their mind is creating
Here I stand hating on the endless opportunities that little girls have to dream. They still get to think about everything and say all the things that come to their minds without anything being taking seriously, or being told too farfetched or too advanced…
No one stops a little girl from dreaming…
I want to dream- but I’m not a little girl anymore- but I feel that you think I am, and if that is the case why do you even entertain me, keep me around to laugh with, talk with, chill with…
I want to think about my future in a way that helps me to appreciate my present and see where the dots will connect…
What’s wrong with trying to see the picture before the lines are drawn? After all, people have to have a vision in order to act on one.
If I didn’t think there would be an us, could be an us, maybe even a legal us, I would have NEVER put forth the trust in you- never would have gave you the time of day or a chance to even touch my hand. Time is precious- and I don’t want to waste it on you or with you if there is no future that we are trying to get to…
To be continued

i was thinking of SEMAj::..

You never know what God has in store for your life
You never know when the things you want will come to you-
Or when the things you think you need will leave you.

I thought that after all I’ve been through that God had kind of forgotten about some of the things that I thought I needed…
But it was him that I needed.
Not a person, not a certain thing or an emotion fulfilled. Just him, simply G.O.D
And when I began to focus on him he began to reveal the real me
And I began to see some things that I had never seen before.
I began to explore different areas, changed some views, and upgraded some mindsets here and there.

All the while I was doing these things I had always thought of you, remembered you in my thoughts, behind the scene you remained in my heart…
Since the day we met a connection (to me) was made
I’ve had a crave to know more of this “you” a desire to know the ends and outs of what you’re about and even still I remained low key

Tried to make it seem that you aren’t a priority but u are… (kind of)

It’s like once you feel you’ve obtained something real you don’t want that feeling to go…
Lord knows there have been times when I felt I’d never hug again, kiss again… love again
And just to know that you are my friend is enough for me to maintain…

And even if you were to leave me alone, place me out of your life…
You’d still dwell in my heart- as u did when I met you,

Yea I thought there was something real from the start.

Wow. Blushing...
T. S. Thorpe ©

relax

I laid my eyes on you and immediately my body wanted to do the same with you but I held back,
Contained myself and conducted myself in a way that wouldn’t make you say
Oh, she’s fast…
Because im not…
Im human, I get hot and what not, but yo-
Its cool.
It means im alive and well.
Its unnatural to not have feelings…
natural to have needs and wants to be pleased
And I want to please you…
Something I will do
In due time

Im not going to rush into things-
In fact im content with swinging on swings and doing kiddie things just because I care
I care soooo much that im cautious and move your hands up when they are near there…
I have to show you im worth it- not easy
Because if I were easy it would be worthless to get to know me… pointless perhaps…

I have to see what type of man you are
What type of man you want to be
And how would ur life be if it includes me-
Freedom to express emotions, free to love, free to care…
And then as time goes by when my eyes look there and your hands are near there it will mean something
And u will let my eyes wander, and you think about letting your hands roam- you wont touch me… u will just breathe…
And I would come to you, near you, close to u… lay my head on your shoulder and put my hand on your chest…
Then you will know I care.

feelings...

And when I saw you and how you’d grown over the years
It made me want you even more
I had always had an eye for you,
Tried to keep my eyes off of you
But my heart belonged to you
And my body knew
That someday, one day, I would be able to show you how I feel…
How I really feel
Aside from what you assumed, what you doubt, and what you don’t expect
But what I feel for you is not about sex, not about appearance, or what it looks like to be with you on the outside…
Its about the things that exist when all else fails… you know, issues from the heart
And the deeper we grow I know that what im feeling is real,
So natural that when im looking at you face to face- we can relate
It cant be fake… not this time.

The library

Entering the building its thousands to choose from
Each one different
Some are the same
Some have similar names and some are copies…
Some came in hard, others soft…
Some sooo used and abused you can’t tell how it came in.
You assume you know just by appearance everything it processes inside
Or sometimes you measured it up from the back
Sometimes you just eyed it for size, seeing which one looked like it wud be something you can handle in the time you allotted for it.
Each day you would look, until finally you found one… and I was the supposed lucky one.
You picked me from the others…
I was naturally hard, sort of used, clearly abused…
but u wanted to give me a chance
Aside from the heart ache and pain you picked me up,
Laid me down in a special room for just you and me…
You opened me up,
You read into my every word…
Ur fingers traced my spine… and u fingered all the lines that my words made…
U flipped all my pages, sometimes holding spots u wanted to get a better feel for, or just simply wanted to come back too.
You would finish for the day, and the next day come back to me…
And this time you brought ur crew so they could do the same thing u were doing to me and I was doing to u.
U gave me passion while I gave you knowledge…
You took me places ive never been…
I let ur imagination build upon all I had to offer u…And when u finished with me it was ok, u passed me on to someone else,
Bc u knew they too needed a good book to read...

thanks for checking me out..::

© T. S. Thorpe

to hold u again

Oh wat i wud give to give u a kiss
or just to say hello
look you in your eyes and tell you how i feel u know
ive held so much in, time and time again
trying to figure out where i stand in your eyes
i never thought it would come to this or that I would actually miss you.
in my mind i try to figure out where i went wrong
how things still fell apart even though i thought our love was strong
i guess i was wrong
i thought that maybe you werent feeling me but i forgot to give u the ok
never wanted you to stay
if u didnt love me, or need me...ive always wanted you to be happy but i guess you never believed me
truth is i wished you would have fell in love with someone else, so it would be easy for me to get over u
but because you leave things so open ended its hard to condense these feelings i feel for u
always felt for u
ur like or were like a dream come true
and oh what i would give to hold u again
wrap u in my arms, keep u from all harm
and them maybe
u never wuda died
and a tear would never had fell from my eyes

I am the only thing that stands in your way to get to me.
No matter what weapon you form,
or words u conjure up in your head,
I truly am the only thing that stops you from getting to me.
But I don’t want you to stop coming for me.
You see, YOU are what I aspire to NOT be.
You are my example of all the WRONG things-
in life that I have to disassociate myself with…
Imagine that
me actually knowing your schemes,
Knowing your lies,
Knowing all the tricks you were going to try…
EVEN before you try them…
And those are facts!
Because as long as you step feet forward to get me, you leave tracks…
…the tracks that u won’t see from under my feet –
bc I have a God that carries me…
Ooooh if you had someone to carry u…..um
Wow. That would be great
And im sure u wouldn’t make those same mistakes…
Mistakes like messing with a child of God…::

T.S.Thorpe©